Filk Songs

Silly Songs

  • Black and Green Sleepers
  • Cooties
  • Eat Me!
  • I, Wannabe...
  • Kangaroos in California
  • Signy's Mad at Me
  • Someone's Mom
  • Strange Love: The Filker and the Cat
  • Waltz for Organs and Guitar
  • Yuck!

  • Space
    Star Trek

    © 2001, Judith Hayman
    Oh, the Dorsai are a fearless sort, they fight for right and money,  	C/G/F/G
    The bravest in the galaxy, from Earth to far Harmony,     	C/G/F/G
    The greatest strategists by far, the quickest, fiercest fighters.  	F/G/G7/C
    To win a battle sure by far, those Dorsai are the blighters...    		F/G/F/G/C
    But when they leave their lovers and they fall beneath the covers...	G/F/G/C
    When the Dorsai have a schluffy do they grab a babe like Buffy           G/F/C/G
    Or drowse in the altogether, never minding wind or weather.              C
    No, the Dorsai close their peepers snuggled in black and green sleepers  G/F/C/G
    And a friendly jug of Tully... for the cold.                             C/G/C
    On leave to the Dorsai they go, they head back to their fam’ly.
    Relaxing on the hearth of home, Dorsai are still quite canny,
    They’re wily with their contacts, their wagers and each other,
    But one thing I’ll say for Dorsai: they always mind their mother.
    So when the Dorsai say goodnight and then Dorsai turn out the light...
    Do the Dorsai wear pyjamas that make them look like wooly llamas?
    Or do they nap quite naked (ohmigod is nothing sacred)?
    No, the Dorsai close their peeper snuggled their footed sleepers,
    And a friend jug of Tully... for the cold
    And when the Dorsai hit their beddies do they curl up with their teddies?
    Or do they slumber sky-clad (just the thought is something head!)?
    No the Dorsai close their peeper snuggled in black and green sleepers.
      (With a trap-door and a nice little black night cap)
    And a friendly jug of Tully... for the cold * inspired by a sick idea between myself and John Hall, DI Return to top COOTIES © 1995, Judith Hayman Jumping fleas live on cats and dogs, A/D Disgusting tapeworms live in hogs, A/E Bedbugs make their home in beds, A/E/A/D But cooties live on people's heads. D/E Chorus: I got cooties, cooties in my hair, A/D Cooties, cooties, they're everywhere! A/E Think my mama's gonna wanna cry, A/E/A/E 'Cause I'll have those cooties 'till I die. E/A Mr. Cootie he crawled on someone's comb Then he moved to my haire and he called it home. 'Course then he acted just like a louse Mrs. Cootie arrived and they're playing house.Chorus Now I got the itchies and I wish I were dead, 'Cause those cooties started in to layin' eggs When I began to scratch, my mom had fits, Pourin' goop on my head and pickin' nits.Chorus Now my story's almost at the end For I gave those cooties to my best friend! A friend like that you rarely see, 'Cause my best friend gave 'em back to me! Chorus X 2 Return to top EAT ME!! © Judith Hayman & Diana Huey, 1996 In the dark and lonely night, when everyone’s abed Em/Dm I hear the mantle clock strike two, then voices fill my head. Em/Am No scary movies on TV, that fill my dream with fright, Dm/Am No howling winds or barking dogs or footsteps in the night. Dm/Em Sweet visions of obscene delight they whisper to me in the night. Am/Em I pull the covers ‘round my head, but this is what the evil said...Dm/Gm Chorus: Eat me! Eat me! Come down to the kitchen and meet me! G/D/C/G It’s our little secret and no one will know D/C You know that you want me and you can’t say “no” D/C And, baby, I’m calling your name! D/C/G I struggle in the darkness against the siren call Insidiously it beckons, it lures me to the hall, Now down the shadowed stair, past darkened doors I creep, To silence once again the need that calls me from my sleep I cannot to my conscience keep as to my guilty joys I leap I reach for remnants of my meal, I reach, I bite, I hear them squeal... Eat me, oh, eat me! I’m happy you came down to greet me I was so lonely when you said you were full I am so glad that you answered the pull When, baby, I called out your name. Oh, please, please Eat me! Eat me! Put on your slippers and meet me! I’m cold and I’m lonely and you can’t say “no” Your guilt in the morning surely won’t show And baby I’m calling your name Baby, I’m calling your name, Baby, I’m calling your name Return to Top I WANNA BE ... lyrics © Judith Hayman, 1994 music © TomSmith ("Peter Lorre") A bane on my existence are the BNF'S I see Am/E With filkers such as they, what hope for such as we? Am/G/F/E We can only sigh and then maybe we'll try ... F/G/C/ C-C/B-Am To sing a song by Julia E or yet one more by Leslie. F/E Mike Longcor is prolific, Tom Smith is even worse. Am/G/F/E Kathy Mar is so damn good it feels just like a curse. Am/G/F But then I raise my eyes, to filkers who are prize... F/G/C-C/B-Am Those harmony sluts demand attention, F When they're here at your convention ... E Women: When I grow up I want to be Mary Ellen, C/Am I want to say "Hello, my name is mew..." F/G/C I'll be the TOAST of all the cons, a six-foot blue-eyed blonde E/Am Singing with Joey, Larry, and Kathy, Clif, Steve and CMQ. F (tacit) E (tacit) My BA will be on the thirteen year plan. C/Am See the honours tassel on my new guitar! F/F I'll be a Wench for Interfilk, in clothes of lace and silk F/G/C-C/B-Am I want to grow up to be Mary Ellen and then I'll be a star. F/G/F/G/C- G Men: When I grow up I want to be Joey Shoji And all of filk will bow to kiss my knees I'll work my Soloflex, as I watch a new Star Trek Then order dinner with dessert first, chocolate overdose if you please. My "Enterprising work" is with Wells Fargo, To pay for music, books and trips to cons If you catch me there by chance, you'll say "Oh, it's Joey in pants!" I want to grow up to be Joey Shoji and fill the world with song All: When we grow up we want to be mew or Joey We'll do concerts and we'll harmonize 'till dawn We'll do some silly things, 'cause we love the smiles they bring Like pull out a mewcumber or sing Inna-gadda-davida at your con. And we will guest at cons from East to West coast Among filkers there will be none such as we Every filker it is true, wants to sing like Joey or mew Women: We want to grow up to be mew or Joey Men: Those BNF's are gonna be sorry All: If we ever learn to sing on key. Return to Top KANGAROOS IN CALIFORNIA © Judith Hayman, 1995 I saw it on the TV when we tuned in Today D/C Some Kangaroos were spotted down by San Francisco Bay G/A They've been shopping on Pier 39, they've toured the Golden Gate D/G Bought Ghirardelli chocolate, and they've hopped on up the Haight C/D Now those Kangaroos have taken to the California scene F/C They eat organic roughage and a health club's where they've been F/C They've found their inner Joey's, they've regressed their former lives D/G They’ve got crystals in their pockets and they're groovin' on the vibes C/A/D Chorus: Kangaroos in (from) California, getting high on New Age grass D/C Kangaroos in (from) California, they drive cars with propane gas G/A Well, we don't know how they got here and we don't know why they came D/G But those Kangaroos are staking out a claim C/A/D When they used their crystals there was static on the line So they moved to Arizona where the channelling’s just fine. They've got sunscreen on their noses, they wear sneakers with no socks And they channel in their Ray-Bans on Sedona's red, red rocks They went up to a healing with a nearby native tribe The shaman found for each and every one a spirit guide And they had waking dream that Kangaroos should not delay But go to meet the Master who can guide them on the way Chorus The Enquirer said they came to Memphis one night very late, It was approaching midnight on January 8 They went on up to Graceland and they channeled down the King Who spoke these words of wisdom: "Kangaroos, y'all learn to sing!" So they moved on to Nashville and they've learned to rock and roll They're singin' in tight harmony, playing country, folk and soul Rolling Stone has spread the news that those Roos can really wail While playing in the bars where they drink Marsupi-Ale Chorus The Roos drove up to NYC, hopping traffic all the way. They got ticketed for speeding on the Interstate. They got a multi-album contact and those groupies every place, A world wide concert tour and they're in the Grammy race. They've done a show for Leno, they've told Rosie how they feel And the studios are calling them about a movie deal. When they dropped into the Bottom Line it made Eyewitness News When Christine got a chorus line of Sensitive New Age Roos... Chorus Then those Roos played in Toronto, and said "We're movin' there!" "You cobbers built the best damn place to channel anywhere!" Now you'll find them on the Lakeshore climbing up the CN Tower Where they channel down their music with their Aussie Crystal Power. They were asked to play the anthems at the Skydome one fine night They really brought the house down, the French was almost right. The Yanks just looked puzzled, the Canucks all called "Foul play!" When those Roos channeled Waltzing Matilda... en Français! (a curious little song... One night February of '95 we heard a newscast about the Kangaroos fleeing the Australian forests because of forest fires. "Where did they go?" I wondered...) Return to Top SIGNY'S MAD AT ME lyrics: Judith Hayman, 1990 music: Leslie Fish: Signy Mallory Captain Signy Mallory has PMS, they say. Five days out of every month her brain turns into clay And on the bridge of the Norway they shiver and they twitch, As Captain Signy Mallory becomes a raving bitch. Return to Top SOMEONE'S MOM © Judith Hayman, 1995 intro: E.... The house is a disaster, when the rain falls from the sky E/D ‘Cause the kids have got to play inside and I think I'll lose my mind. C/E They’ve each brought a new friend in, some of the neighbour brats; E/D I hope they don't destroy the house or terrorize my cats C/A I've refereed the squabbles, poured a quiet cup of tea F/C Then some little kid I've never met comes up and says to me... D/E Jenny's Mom, Can we have a tea party too? D/C Jenny's Mom, I don't like my sandwiches cut this way! G/D Jenny's Mom... Why are your legs so fat? C/G Mom, I'm someone's mom... D-C/E Now, I'm a sophisticated woman, educated and well-read, I never thought that motherhood would make me feel undead, But one day baby Jenn arrived and my brain leaked out my ears, With Rich I took on my doom, be someone's mom for years. I've a name that is my very own, I heard it just last week But when the door bell rings now some knee-hi munchkin squeaks Rich's Mom, can I have a bandaid?? Rich's Mom, wanna see what I found under that rock? Rich's Mom, are you still in your pyjamas? Mom, I'm someone's Mom... Now I've made years of birthday parties, those kids all know my name They talk to me sincerely about sex and baseball games. My Jenn's almost a woman, Richard towers over me Could these tall folks be the little kids who squealed "Mom I need to pee!!!!" But I know its not all over though they tease me endlessly They claim that they're all grown up But I hear the shameless pleas Uh, Mom, do I have a fever?... Uh, Mom, you need to write me a cheque ... Uh, Mom... Mommy, about the car... Mom, I'm still a Mom. Coda: I'm Jenny's Mom and Richard's Mom I'm someone's Mom ... C/D/A Except of course when I talk to my mom and then C/D/E I'm still her little girl. C/D/E Return to Top Strange Love: the Filker & the Cat © Judith Hayman 1992 intro: D - A - G - D Once I had an orange scaredy-cat, G Who used to sit upon my lap D Scared of strangers, and of everything outside G/A Yes, I thought that cat was weird before G That filker walked in through my door D I swear that cat just took one look and sighed. G/A/D Gonna send that cat to Arizona, D/G Gonna send him by TWA D/A Cause that kitty he just fell in love D That filker's all that he dreams of G So that is where that filk-cat oughta stay. D/A/D That cat climbed on that stranger's knee, The filker said, "I think he likes me", And deeply looked into those amber eyes. The filker said, "I'm really dead" And gladly went right off to bed That cat just followed like one hypnotized. Gonna send that cat to Arizona, Gonna send him by TWA That filker was so very wise And had that cat just mesmerized So that is where that kitty wants to play. We don't know what went on that night We only know at morning's light A normal cat had come to haunt our house. That cat wants to go out and play From strangers he won't run away He even brought us home a captured mouse. Gonna send that cat to Arizona, Gonna send him by TWA Cause that desert's a big litter box And when he gets outside the house That is where that filk-cat likes to play. Through the magic of filk-wizardry That stupid cat now climbs up trees And searches for that filker everywhere. He listens to that filker's tapes And by the telephone he waits For an invite to go visit way out there. Gonna send that cat to Arizona, Gonna send him by TWA When that filker tries to vocalize That kitty he will harmonize I hope that's where that cat is gonna stay. (Repeat with variations) Return to Top WALTZ FOR ORGANS AND GUITAR © Judith Hayman, 1991 He lies there stretched out in his I.C.U. bed. C/G They say he's alive but he sure looks half dead, G7/F/C With five IV lines and a tube out for pee F/C/F/C And more flashing lights than the best Christmas tree. G/F/G/F/C/G7 His chest lifts and falls with a breathing machine And he's not as handsome as he once did seem. No, he's not quite the same as the Johnny we knew For his skull is squashed flat and his brain waves are too. Chorus: And they've asked for his liver in Boston, C/G His heart will fly out to L.A. G7/C His eyes, skin and bone will stay here at home F/D Where his mom can go visit them every day. D/D-Eb-E One kidney goes down to Dallas C/G The other takes off for B.C. F/C His donor card's signed on the dotted line F/E/C So his organs fly to you and me. C/G/C-F-C His mom comes to visit each day after lunch, Nothing's been said yet but she has a hunch They're going to ask her to share some of John And tell her dear son is truly quite gone. The Harley was polished, his leathers were black. His helmet said “Mom” in a heart on the back. He went off to meet with the gang from ‘cross town No warning had he as that truck mowed him down. Chorus Bridge: He's been her own darling for all of his life Am/Em Through detentions, probations and biker gang strife. Am/Em He said once, “At my side you'll always find home, Am/Dm “No matter how far or how long my bike roams.” Dm/G/F/C/G7 Now, she's weighed all the choices and sadly she says “John's gone now and I must agree that it's best To send parts of him to those far, far from me, So John will live on transcontinentally. John said that where he was my home would e'er be But his parts are spread out now from sea unto sea. I'll mourn him forever yet it will be fun To fly out and live with John's organs one by one.” Chorus Return to Top YUCK! © Judith Hayman,1995 Oh, I hate it when my mom gives me zucchini A/E 'Cause it's gross and yuck and slimy and all green-y D/A She says I look so cute, when I’m just about to puke D/A When she makes me eat that junk my mom's a meany E/A Chorus: Yuck! Gross! Blecch! Puke! Aaargh! A I don’t know how I’ll do it but I’ll get her D/A If she doesn’t start to feed me a lot better. E/A But for now I'll sit and wait and eat the stuff upon my plate D/A 'Cause after dinner maybe I'll get __________* E/A Oh, I hate it when my mom serves Brussels sprouts She says they're good for me; I have my doubts! The putrid little leaves taste icky, give me heaves. Stewed sweat socks would taste better, you'll find out! Chorus Oh, I hate it when my mom gives me liver It stinks so much it makes my tummy quiver It's gray and grainy guts. Eat liver? I'm not nuts! I'll get her back! Oh, how my mom will shiver. Chorus Bridge: She doesn't love me, I know she hates me D/A/D/A Why does she try to poison me each day? E/E7 But I don't argue, what else can I do? D/A/D/A If I ever want to go outside and play??? E/E7 When I'm all grown up I'll serve my mom a dinner. Raw fish with seafood and green goo's a winner! She'll cry "What is slime?" as I smile and say "Divine!" "Gosh, Mom, I guess you'll get a little thinner!" (And she’ll say...) Yuck! Gross! Blecch! Puke! Aaargh! But I won’t have to do some nasty thing like kill her. When she feeds me all that awful stuff for dinner. So for now I'll sit and wait and eat the stuff upon my plate 'Cause when I’m all grown up I’ll get revenge! * ice cream tapioca cough medicine
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    © 2004, Judith Hayman